July 18, 2017

Anti-Social Media

Enflamed by Social Media...Confessions of an Anti-Social Media Influencer

If you have been following my blog, you'll know that the internal battles that I have with myself have succumbed to some waves of turbulence with social media. I've gotten lost & then found...  and then other times dig myself into deeper holes within the mind. I am an outgoing introvert who is incredibly private, yet I am pursuing a career where people want to find out more about my life? Not only do I have to appeal to followers,  but also to commercial brands? What kind of freak show is this?

This sudden decline in blog posts is not merely accidental. I've been taking some time off to re-evaluate my choices & decisions in life (career, family, friends, health, mind, soul, etc). Though I hold the utmost importance in always staying true in my intentions and values, there are times when social media and this whole blogging industry takes a toll on your conscience in small degrees. I've never really been able to build a level of tolerance that allows me to overlook the things that don't matter at the end of the day, no matter how mentally strong I think I am. Shallow perspectives and the need to be like other people are both the most detrimental things for the ego. I guess you could say that I've been distracted. And with a clusterfuck of a mind like mine, it's dangerously easy to get distracted. I get tired of posting images of myself and struggle to find deeper intentions with my posts. Who the fuck cares what eyebrow pencil I am using? How do I curate my posts so that I'm not constantly talking about myself. There are far better things to be talking about, honestly. I'm not ashamed to tell you that this job has made me narcissistic to some extent, and my battle with staying humble makes this all more of a vulnerable dichotomy.

I've read on forums about this conundrum (because I'm pretty hesitant to bring this up with other influencers) and oftentimes the common responses have been to treat this as if it were any other job for which I were to be hired. But isn't the purpose of all this creative freedom is so that we could allow ourselves to speak to the world in our most genuine form? It's gotta be more than just business here.

To add to that, my constant need to be better is central and core to me. For a long time the idea of being "better" at this blogging game had been skewed by many variables -- what I see on my feed, the need to compare myself to other girls, the rush to stay up to date, what I think my followers want from me instead of being true to myself. The inability to reach these heights brings on even more feeble insecurities. Then inadvertently, these insecurities begin to peel thin layers of my own self worth little by little. So maybe this whole social media domino effect isn't for me?

Well this could all come crashing down to an end for me quite easily. However as I slowly turn over this new leaf, the deeper positives in social media become more lucid to me. Perhaps I can use this tool for the better good as long as I stay focused and centered in everything that I do with it. Instead of uploading pictures for the sake of aesthetics, I should ask myself these questions beforehand: (1) what is the main message & purpose behind this? (2) How does this image impact my followers? (3) How does this contribute to the intention of my feed and voice?

I believe only then will I ever be truly satiated by the artistic value of my social media & blog. This is all a learning process for me, as I'm sure is the case with most bloggers & influencers. The goal here is to build enough social reach where I can use my voice for a good purpose that goes beyond beauty & fashion - now, wouldn't that be nice.

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