July 30, 2018


Where do I begin? This blog is like a time capsule for my human metamorphosis in this big city of Los Angeles. I was rummaging through the box that I usually throw stuff with random things I don't want people to see when they come over. I'm a mess, I know. How Stephen still manages to live with me is unbeknownst to me. I digress.

I found a roll of film I forgot about, these moments are really exciting to me. The surprise and anticipation when Darkroom sends over the scans induces this rush of serotonin, this exact euphoric high is the best part about shooting in film. The developed film ended to be from my trip with Judy and Ruby to the poppy fields a year and a half ago when we were all spontaneous to shoot. As I scrolled through the roll, I came upon this picture and unlike the narcissist that I am, the first thing that came to mind was not how my hair looked, what I was wearing, or how my make up looked... rather, it brought back memories of a time in which confusion was veiled by a grey sheet of almost little to no self-esteem. Career wise, I was plateauing. My passion project, this blog, was staggering and hanging by a string. Acting was going awry.

My life had many unpaved roads. I was pursuing acting without any sort of passion behind it mostly off balanced by the overall judgmental, superficial, and mentally taxing industry where I was told I wasn't good enough all the time. I commend actors/actresses who do this on the daily and make it big because their passion fuels them. For me, that wasn't the case & I learned the hard way. It just wasn't for me. And that's ok. Trial and Error is the best way to be a master at something, right? As long as you know it's not for you before it's too late, when one day you're waking up and totally disillusioned by the fact that you've just spent so much time doing something without your full heart in it. Like I've said, maybe it's a Millenial thing... but maybe it's a human thing. Whatever it is, it's going to lead you onto the right path.

I had also just gotten out of a 6 year relationship that ended horribly and violently. It was the longest time I've been away from my family in Cambodia - imagine two years without seeing your family. Depression is a word I stay away from, I feel like I'm belittling the ones who actually are clinically depressed. And I don't want to use it as an umbrella word for any time I want to curl up in a ball for an extended period of time. For a lack of a better term, times were dark. Silver lining: I loved having my own loft, though there were many times when I felt completely lonely, a feeling I was just getting used to. Solitude, I learned, is a powerful thing. Time alone with my own thoughts, unperturbed by the expectations of anything or any one else. That gap in time led to self discovery as my internal rhythm beat slower. I read more, I learned how to play the guitar, I adopted Rocco, designed my space just like how I've always wanted. Partied a lot, wrote a lot, cooked a lot. I was in my zone and I grew to be comfortable with myself. That ability to create a safe haven to love myself and therefore love others more unconditionally, lead to sunshine again. I'm sure gray moments will always come and go in life. As long as I know there will always be greenery on the other side of it; that everything is going to be ok... Whew, a lot has changed.

Friendly reminder: You're doing great. There really is a solution to everything. Your problems now will turn into triumphs later on, I promise. Everything is going to be fucking amazing. 

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